Did you enjoy your flatpack Easter Egg this bank holiday weekend just gone? That seems to encapsulate how most of my friends spent their time – either up to their eyeballs in discarded foil and Lindt bunny bells or screws and their drivers.
Although Easter may be behind us, Eggheads, the BBC quiz show, somehow remains on our screens. I always have the misfortune of timing my visits to my father’s house with the airing of this programme. Every time, I make the same mental note not to put myself through this torture and every time I hop off the bus I check my watch and make a mental scream, almost wishing I’d stayed on the bus in the company of the chavs, schoolkids and people that blatantly disregard (can you imagine?) the signs inviting you to keep your filthy feet off the seats for an extra hour and a half until its route passes my intended destination again. Rather the company of wolves than endure that of the Eggmasters.
Presented by Dermot Murnaghan, with whom I share a few unfortunately similar syllables, the show’s format is simples: five quiz show champs (the Eggheads, or Smegheads as you and Craig Charles will be calling them within moments of making their acquaintance) playing knowledge pong with a group of Challengers. If the Challengers win, they get a dollop of cash, if the Eggheads win, it rolls over. It can go to Sudden Death, which you’ll be begging for if you make it that far. Wikipedia describes the visual impact of the title sequence thus: “The seven Eggheads are displayed in revolving egg shaped frames with a blue background.” And that is about as exciting as it gets. You’d have more fun revolving your leftover Creme Eggs if you’ve got any left, you fat bastard, and you wouldn’t have some prick who won Fifteen to One once back in 1988 sneering at you while you do it.
A pro of the show is that its contestants are marginally easier on the eye that the breed you get on University Challenge, but that’s not a hard achievement. Also the questions are easier than that other well-known and simply formatted quiz show, Mastermind, so you’ll be able to feel a bit better about your intellectual capabilities. Well done you for knowing Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet. Your degree of smugness will never match that of the Eggheads, however, who all have firsts and distinctions in that personality trait. They’ll elaborate on most answers with unnecessary detail, talking you through the process of elimination and throwing in anecdotes about their days holidaying in their villa in Sicily, which is where mixing with the locals enlightened them to the fact they have 53 different words for ‘volcano’. The Challengers trapped in the Question Room whimper and squirm in their seats and SO WILL YOU. It makes Time Team feel like watching Jurassic Park. Get back on the bus.