Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Fordwich Extreme Sports

Recently walked to Fordwich to escape the inner city blare of vuvezelas and discovered in England's smallest town St Mary The Virgin's Church, which reputedly once housed St Augustine's remains, and pubs selling lemonade for £2.75 a pop. You expect a lot more 'pop' at that price. My path was beset with mosquitoes, horse flies, rabbits, nettles and foreboding signs, but I did find a lake in which to soothe my wounds.



Stable table.

"Do not touch suspicious objects they may explode and kill you." That distant rabbit may be carrying a machine gun. Those mosquitoes are injecting you with truth serum.

All 351 inhabitants of Fordwich, I can successfully navigate your deadly objects whilst maintaining my grace and poise.

I'll be going back soon to test some detours and possibly some lilos for what will be my own version of Canterbury's river tours for those who've resignedly cast off their plastic England flags (some of which helpfully display the name 'England' in the centre, for those that might've been unsure) and those sufficiently whetted by Hanescu's sputum.

Monday, 14 June 2010

B(l)o(o)dy Language

I love that section found in the majority of women’s magazines, usually sandwiched between pictures of Katie Price’s latest autobiographical offering and NEW SHOOZ, which claims to offer expert insight into the body language of celebrities. One unfortunate snapshot reveals how in holding his hand with her pinkie sticking out, Demi Moore secretly wants to divorce Ashton Kutcher. Because Posh has sunglasses is on and is pouting at David, she is pissy about him shagging their children’s nanny whilst wearing her Jimmy Choos. NEW CHOOZ. Russell Brand is possibly having doubts about his engagement to Katy Perry because in this picture he is clearly sticking his cock into what appears to be last week’s tabloid’s Page 3 stunner. And so on.

I recently contacted one of these ‘experts’ and asked them to contribute their thoughts on the photographs below. So accustomed are they to comparing the gloss of Cheryl Cole’s digitally enhanced mane to comparing the beads of sweat on Ant and Dec’s foreheads that I think these characters have largely escaped their attention until now.

See how Eva has her head attentively turned towards the snoozing Adolf, whilst fumbling at the buttons of her dress. I don’t think this relationship will last as he clearly prefers to dream whilst his lady friend remains sadly unfulfilled.

Elizabeth is clearly pondering what Barack is reaching for as her jealous ex looks on. I sense Barack will have to curb his enthusiasm if he hopes to get to second base with this lady.

A sports star and a supermodel you say? Wow, look how relaxed and happy they both are. He unquestionably adores her, and she is blinded by his love.

See how closely these young punks are bound. He is clearly at his girlfriend’s mercy – look how she won’t even let him use the toilet. I love when guys are so obviously under the thumb like that.