Monday, 8 November 2010

Come Dine With Me Drinking Game!

1. A questionable delicacy is presented in a ramekin.

Drink one ramekin’s worth of rum.


2. Somebody fingers their guests’ food while preparing/serving. Scuse fingers!

2 fingers.


3. Someone pretends to be okay with the dog/cat/rabbit/snake/horse supping at the table but reveals their disgust at this heinous crime behind the scenes.

Hair of the dog.



No. No you cannot.




4. Someone refuses to join in the fancy dress theme because it would ruin their image.

Down a pint of water.


5. The host gets their guest’s name wrong.

Bottle of ‘bud’.


6. Reviewer forgets their host’s name.

Bottle of ‘bud’.


7. Somebody claims to be psychic (yet somehow fails to predict their placement in the competition).

Shot of spirits.


8. Someone holds up a six and switches it to a nine. Or vice versa.

Six sips of wine. Or nine.


9. Horny male in the back of the taxi says “I’ll give her one!” whilst holding up this lowly scorecard.

One tequila.


10. Participant is oblivious to the fact they’re holding their scorecard upside down.

Stand on your head to finish your drink.


11. Narrator shouts “TAXI!” when unfortunate guest begins slurring.

2 fingers.


12. An 'amusing' pun dominates the menu.

1 finger.


13. Somebody drops out. Suspected cause: food poisoning.

Stop drinking :(


14. Proud host claims to be making their dish for the first time.

Make a drink you’ve never tried. Then secretly slip it to a houseplant.


15. Someone designs cute namecards. To mixed reactions.

A plastic cup of punch.


16. Mutton dressed as lamb – be it in person or in food form.

Lambrini.


17. Somebody serves something they caught/shot/wrung the neck of all by themselves.

3 fingers.


18. Finickity guest refuses to even try a mouthful.

Mouthful of mouthwash.


19. There’s a teetotaller! Gasp.

Pint of water.


20. Guests are adamant they will not participate in any hot tub action.

Glass of bubbly.


21. Guest cannot pronounce an item on their host’s menu.

1 finger.


22. Panicked guest claims to have lost the one kitchen utensil they need to cook with.

Drink your poison of choice from a colander.


23. Someone complains about having to wait.

Pour yourself another. Wait one hour before drinking.


24. Guests attempt to guess host’s gender from the menu. Bollockses it up.

2 fingers.


25. Winner tosses the money around.

Toss your drink away.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

10 Things Which Are Supposed To Surprise Me But Don't.

1. Hearing that Johnny Depp has been invited to star in a Tim Burton film. Gosh, really?!

Johnny Depp would star in an otherwise z-listed torture porn film if Tim Burton was directing it.

2. Reading indignant outcries over Daily Mail articles.

You’re reading the Daily Mail. It’s not going to end well.

3. New leaders claiming they’ll fix the fuck ups of the last government.

Our saviours!

4. He said she said you said they said. You don’t say?

5. Seeing shitty watermarks on shitty pictures. Well done, you just made your shit picture even shittier. As if anyone would want to use that piece of shit anyway. Erm



6. Not hearing back from Recruitment Consultants. They’re quite happy in their jobs and don’t feel the need to have to find any for other people. If you have the gall to point this out to them, you’re filed in a draw marked “hard work”. And then not given any.

7. Having to do typing tests when applying for administrative jobs. I’ve been typing since I was 10! Or something. Do they make brain surgeons operate in their interviews? Or plumbers fix the leaky tap in the interviewer’s kitchen? Do they make web designers design a website on the spot? “You have 15 minutes using this product information to build a website which uses our logo as a cursor and we want a charming ‘Meet the Team’ section using photos from our office parties including that one of Pauline’s posterior which she kindly photocopied for us but to get hold of it you’ll have to get her out of alcohol rehab first. GO!” I found the whole typing test thing surprising and an insult at first but now I understand it’s par for the course, no matter your level of experience.

Bonus anecdote: I once spent about 45 minutes putting Council documents in numerical order, then circling information on printed out spreadsheets which would’ve taken a fraction of the time HAD I ACTUALLY BEEN USING EXCEL LIKE I WOULD BE DOING IN THE ACTUAL JOB using Ctrl + F and practically stuffing letters into envelopes, which no doubt saved them paying some other poor lackey to do it. I wouldn’t be surprised if more companies start exploiting this and outsourcing work on the pretence of ‘holding an interview’.

8. Something happening to the scantily clad girl in the horror film when she runs upstairs instead of out the door in the haunted house. There’s no way out, you say? You’re trapped? Squeal away, little piggy. You could be dialling 999 in the phone booth across the road right now, woah, I’m sorry, 911. But no. That would be too easy, wouldn't it.

9. The little boy/girl that went missing/was murdered/fell off a donkey was a hero in the community, a sweet little thing that never did any wrong, people couldn’t help but melt into piles of gibbering gloop whenever they walked in the room, their laughter made the angels stop to listen, they were a straight A student destined for Oxford after the intended plan of taking a year out to visit orphanages in Africa. It’s practically an obituary they’re delivering, they’re not going to say what a little shit they were are they?! The paragraph where Uncle Alfie proudly describes how Alfie Junior’s first word was “c*nt” and his first act of giving to the community was embezzling the money he’d stolen from Auntie Sue’s purse into Woolworth’s Pic n Mix is suspiciously edited out.

10. Being informed I’ve won an Audi. If I had a pound for every time I’ve been told this, I’d be investing the total in a much better car than an Audi.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Paranoid - Adventures in Hair Dye

I have never been less in need of a mirror factory. I wanted to imbue my crowning glory with an autumnal tone. Schwarzkopf's Live Colour XXL in 'Dark Spice' (the lesser known Spice Girl who shacked up with Old Spice) promised HOT REDS but instead delivered the 'Prince of Darkness' look.






Separated at birth?






A smidge too late for Halloween. I could've gone as one of The Craft.

Here's the packet for reference:







I couldn't find a man whose hair and indeed face had been polished to within an inch of its life, but Tails was happy to step in.





I am feeling neither hot nor red. Instead of a glossy metallic sheen I look like I belong in the era of hair metal. What did we learn, asides from the old 'don't judge a book by its cover' chesnut? TO FEAR CHANGE. The scariest Halloween costume of all! I don't know how that would work but I may do that next year. If I don't go as a man in retaliation to men who think dressing up as a woman constitutes a terrifying sight and an original concept. Having seen what sexist remarks have done for Stephen Fry this week, I will leave that one there.