Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Samsung Galaxy Ace

It’s been about a year and a half since I last did a review of a phone and that’s because I don’t get paid to test ‘em out, surprise surprise. I just wander into a phone shop when I’ve guessed my contract is up and see what fancy credit card sized piece of assured technological wonder they wish to bequeath upon the unsuspecting me, and write a load of bullshit about it on the internet when I can’t immediately figure out how to use it. So without further ado, I bring you my review of the Samsung Galaxy Ace. It probably has a bunch of numbers and letters following that astronomical (and presumptuous) title, but I can’t be arsed to search for which, so take what you get.

Available in politically correct colours.

I used to be able to walk down a busy high street, texting with one hand while watching where I was going. Thanks to the beauty and ‘ease’ of touch screen phones, I now have to pull up a chair, sit down, hold all calls for fifteen minutes, have a shot of something to steady my nerves and use both hands to send someone a text that’s usually full of typos from predictive texting anyway. I never, ever, mean to say ‘duck’.

The Samsung Galaxy Ace’s predictive texting even tries to predict what word you’ll be wanting to use next. The audacity! So if you’ve previously text a mate saying ‘I fancy Sam’ and then send another to another mate saying ‘fancy going for a drink?’ the phone will try to put ‘fancy Sam going for a drink’ before you intercept it. Fancy that. And fancy Sam doing that. An outrage.

I had that auto-rotation thingamy on for a while but I soon figured out how to switch that unearthly voodoo trickery off. I like to wake up gently by checking the internets in bed to see what latest drama has occurred and whether Justin Bieber has been killed yet. This involves me lying on my side. Poor phone did not understand. Phone insisted I rotated my head so much trying to keep up with its pirouetting that I spun myself out of bed a good ten minutes before my legs have had a chance to wake up.

What else. I suppose I should include some technical stuff. It’s got a 5mp camera. Which is nice. It uses the operating system Android. That means when texting (I do a lot of texting, ‘k) if you use a smiley, it’ll appear as a little green dudeblob gurning away at you. Cute.

This is the Android smiley for 'I did one too many tequila slammers last night, could you please bring me some bail money?'.

I tried signing into the achingly un-hip hotmail account I still have. All was well and good. Then I tried adding my other hotmail account. “Wrong Email Address/Password!” the Samsung from the Galaxy of Ace bleeped at me. And again. And again. I went onto my PC and typed out my details verrry slowwwly. Managed to log in. But on my PC. Not my phone. I want to check emails on my phone, dammit! Someone may be trying to sell me a loan or inform me about ‘insertion fees’ (*giggle*) on eBay! I’ve left it for now. Signed into the one hotmail account. Forever and ever, amen.

The maps thing is pretty awesome. Like the Marauder’s Map in Harry Potter, you can fucking see where you are in the world! Rock on. You can’t see where your friends are or the whereabouts of your stalkees but I’m sure that’s in the pipeline as soon as this fabulous write-up gets around SAMSUNG GALAXY ACE REVIEW SAMSUNG GALAXY ACE FEEDBACK PLEASE RT TONGUING GOOGLE’S BACKSIDE YEAH BABY YOU LIKE THAT SAMSUNG GALAXY ACE FEATURES SMART PHONE REVIEW. Ahem.

Where was I? Ah yes, moaning about something trivial. I still can’t send picture messages or text abroad but that’s to do with the deal I’m on with 3, rather than the phone’s fault. For once. I’m not changing the deal either, before you whinge at me to please text you pictures of me tonguing Google’s asshole. 100 minutes, 5,000 texts and 500MB internet for £15 per month is not to be sneezed at. Unless you’re allergic to numbers and pound signs and things. Bless you.