Sunday, 30 October 2011

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Rihanna's 'Rude Boy' - Translated

In the spirit of Rob Delaney's beautiful take-down of Katy Perry's Last Friday Night...

Come on rude boy, boy

Can you get it up

Impolite gentleman, can you maintain an erection?

Come here rude boy, boy

Is you big enough

Discourteous young man, have you ever wondered about girth?

Take it, take it

Baby, baby

Take it, take it

Love me, love me

(An offering of affection to an infant).

Come here rude boy, boy

Can you get it up

Come here rude boy, boy

Is you big enough

Take it, take it

Baby, baby

Take it, take it

Love me, love me

Bad-mannered male adolescent, are you sure about that erection thing? Will it definitely be large enough for my vagina to actually feel anything? Ah, you can go ahead and fuck me anyway.

Tonight

I'mma let you be the captain

Tonight

I'mma let you do your thing, yeah

Tonight

I'mma let you be a rider

Giddy up

Giddy up

Giddy up, babe

I booked us on a cruise. We leave tonight. Although you don’t have to come. (But you do have to have to engage in horseplay).

Tonight

I'mma let it be fire

Tonight

I'mma let you take me higher

Tonight

Baby we can get it on, yeah

we can get it on, yeah

I haven’t tested the smoke detectors for a while. I will let you pump me full of rohypnol. Newborn, let’s have sex!

Do you like it boy

I wa-wa-want

What you wa-wa-want

Give it to me baby

Like boom, boom, boom

What I wa-wa-want

Is what you wa-wa-want

Na, na-aaaah

Are you satisfied, young chap? I am a submissive female. Present it to me like a bomb. It is what I desire. And it’s also what you would like too. Na, na-aaaah.

Come here rude boy, boy

Can you get it up

Come here rude boy, boy

You should Is you big enough

Take it, take it

Baby, baby

Take it, take it

Love me, love me

I am still unsure about the possibility of you obtaining tumescence. But I’m still willing to give it a go.

Come here rude boy, boy

Can you get it up

Come here rude boy, boy

Is you big enough

Take it, take it

Baby, baby

Take it, take it

Love me, love me

We’ve been at it for a while now and I am still uncertain about your manhood. Take this child.

Tonight

I'mma give it to you harder

Tonight

I'mma turn your body out

Relax

Let me do it how I wanna

If you got it

I need it

And I'mma put it down

I got so fed up with staring at your genitals, waiting for something to happen, that I went out and bought a strap-on. I intend to perform surgery on you with this device. I’m done with being submissive. If you got it. I must have bedroom toys. I like picking them up and putting them down again.

Buckle up

I'mma give it to you stronger

Hands up

We can go a little longer

Tonight

I'mma get a little crazy

Get a little crazy, baby

We’re back to horseplay. This time, with ketamine. Hive five! I gave you some Viagra! Possess a delusional toddler.

Do you like it boy

I wa-wa-want

What you wa-wa-want

Give it to me baby

Like boom, boom, boom

What I wa-wa-want

Is what you wa-wa-want

Na, na-aaaah

Do you approve lad? I’m happy to do whatever you want to do. Bestow the good sex upon me. I wish to reaffirm that I am completely submissive.

Come here rude boy, boy

Can you get it up

Come here rude boy, boy

Is you big enough

Take it, take it

Baby, baby

Take it, take it

Love me, love me

After all we’ve been through together, I still find you offensive and doubt the probability of your penis entering my vagina. I urge you to desire me.

I like the way you touch me there

I like the way you pull my hair

Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking

No, no

I like when you tell me kiss it there

I like when you tell me move it there

Oh! Progress! I enjoy the way you’re convinced I’m wearing a wig. I have never faked an orgasm. No, no. I enjoy being told to perform oral sex. I like being guided with the strap-on.

So giddy up

Time to giddy up

You say you're a rude boy

Show me what you got now

ARE YOU A MAN OR A HORSE?!

Come here right now

Can I borrow you for a moment?

Take it, take it

Baby, baby

Take it, take it

Love me, love me

I am bribing an infant to worship me.

Come on rude boy, boy

Can you get it up

Come here rude boy, boy

Is you big enough

Take it, take it

Baby, baby

Take it, take it

Love me, love me

I am experiencing déjà vu of a sexual nature.

Come here rude boy, boy

Can you get it up

Come here rude boy, boy

Is you big enough

Take it, take it

Baby, baby

Take it, take it

Love me, love me

Love me

Love me

Love me

Love me

Love me

Love me

Take it, take it

Baby, baby

Take it, take it

Love me, love me

Love me

Love me

Love me

Love me

Love me

Love me

yeh yeh yeh

Take it, take it

Baby, baby

Take it, take it

Love me, love me.

LOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Samsung Galaxy Ace

It’s been about a year and a half since I last did a review of a phone and that’s because I don’t get paid to test ‘em out, surprise surprise. I just wander into a phone shop when I’ve guessed my contract is up and see what fancy credit card sized piece of assured technological wonder they wish to bequeath upon the unsuspecting me, and write a load of bullshit about it on the internet when I can’t immediately figure out how to use it. So without further ado, I bring you my review of the Samsung Galaxy Ace. It probably has a bunch of numbers and letters following that astronomical (and presumptuous) title, but I can’t be arsed to search for which, so take what you get.



Available in politically correct colours.




I used to be able to walk down a busy high street, texting with one hand while watching where I was going. Thanks to the beauty and ‘ease’ of touch screen phones, I now have to pull up a chair, sit down, hold all calls for fifteen minutes, have a shot of something to steady my nerves and use both hands to send someone a text that’s usually full of typos from predictive texting anyway. I never, ever, mean to say ‘duck’.

The Samsung Galaxy Ace’s predictive texting even tries to predict what word you’ll be wanting to use next. The audacity! So if you’ve previously text a mate saying ‘I fancy Sam’ and then send another to another mate saying ‘fancy going for a drink?’ the phone will try to put ‘fancy Sam going for a drink’ before you intercept it. Fancy that. And fancy Sam doing that. An outrage.

I had that auto-rotation thingamy on for a while but I soon figured out how to switch that unearthly voodoo trickery off. I like to wake up gently by checking the internets in bed to see what latest drama has occurred and whether Justin Bieber has been killed yet. This involves me lying on my side. Poor phone did not understand. Phone insisted I rotated my head so much trying to keep up with its pirouetting that I spun myself out of bed a good ten minutes before my legs have had a chance to wake up.

What else. I suppose I should include some technical stuff. It’s got a 5mp camera. Which is nice. It uses the operating system Android. That means when texting (I do a lot of texting, ‘k) if you use a smiley, it’ll appear as a little green dudeblob gurning away at you. Cute.



This is the Android smiley for 'I did one too many tequila slammers last night, could you please bring me some bail money?'.




I tried signing into the achingly un-hip hotmail account I still have. All was well and good. Then I tried adding my other hotmail account. “Wrong Email Address/Password!” the Samsung from the Galaxy of Ace bleeped at me. And again. And again. I went onto my PC and typed out my details verrry slowwwly. Managed to log in. But on my PC. Not my phone. I want to check emails on my phone, dammit! Someone may be trying to sell me a loan or inform me about ‘insertion fees’ (*giggle*) on eBay! I’ve left it for now. Signed into the one hotmail account. Forever and ever, amen.

The maps thing is pretty awesome. Like the Marauder’s Map in Harry Potter, you can fucking see where you are in the world! Rock on. You can’t see where your friends are or the whereabouts of your stalkees but I’m sure that’s in the pipeline as soon as this fabulous write-up gets around SAMSUNG GALAXY ACE REVIEW SAMSUNG GALAXY ACE FEEDBACK PLEASE RT TONGUING GOOGLE’S BACKSIDE YEAH BABY YOU LIKE THAT SAMSUNG GALAXY ACE FEATURES SMART PHONE REVIEW. Ahem.

Where was I? Ah yes, moaning about something trivial. I still can’t send picture messages or text abroad but that’s to do with the deal I’m on with 3, rather than the phone’s fault. For once. I’m not changing the deal either, before you whinge at me to please text you pictures of me tonguing Google’s asshole. 100 minutes, 5,000 texts and 500MB internet for £15 per month is not to be sneezed at. Unless you’re allergic to numbers and pound signs and things. Bless you.