Friday, 20 December 2013

Use Your Library

Source

"In a recession, and one with bookshops struggling, you would expect to see more people using libraries for the books and for the facilities. That seems to be the case in places like the US and much of Europe, so why isn't that happening here? Ultimately there are deep issues. Austerity plays a part, but it is the failure to realise that simple presence of books and availability of reading are what make libraries useful for most of the people who want to use them that is the cause of the decline." - Tim Coates

Source

Migella

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

So Relatable

I see a lot of this kind of crap floating about the interweb:

All good clean harmless fun for children and teens and far better than them watching the quasi-porn available on YouTube these days or uploading practically naked selfies.

So I made up a few of my own, for adults to 'like', 'share', 'retweet', stick on your bumper, stick up your arse, whatever.

Thursday, 14 November 2013

An addendum to 'White Moral Outrage'

This from the 405 which I read a few hours after posting:

"She can't twerk (despite trying to learn for two weeks) but wanted to draw attention to it as part of a current dialogue, so she hired a group of backing dancers who were willing and able to do so. And she hired them because they are fucking good at what they do, not because of their ethnicity."

Emphasis my own.

Who's racist now?

"Commenting on what she is or isn’t wearing is exactly the kind of rubbish Lily Allen is hitting out against in the song and suggesting that the other women featured in the video aren't smart enough to make an informed decision about whether they are comfortable twerking in a video that satirises twerking is insulting at best."

"Bottom line is, this is about the objectification of all women. And we need things like this. We need positive feminist dialogue charting at #1. I'm not saying we don't need people like Miley - we do, they're important in their own way - but it's a relief that we now have a commentary on them that comes from other pop musicians. We need people like Lily Allen and Lorde to level the playing field. And if you're going to write a feminist manifesto, you might as well make it catchy as hell."

That is exactly what I wanted to say only so much better. And that is why I'm cluttering up the blogosphere instead of being a music journalist.

White Moral Outrage

A white man produces an R&B single. The accompanying video features scantily-clad ladies.

Source

The world loses its shit.

A white woman brings out a video featuring gyrating black female dancers.

The world loses its shit.

The Lily Allen video is clearly a parody, a criticism of moments from popular culture that have made headlines this year. It plays with tropes we've become desensitised to that commonly feature in pop music videos.

It is NOT racist. It's a means of making a point to absorbent and impressionable young minds that what they see in pop/R&B videos isn't always right. Annie Lennox has recently called for music videos to feature ratings similar to those used to classify films.

It's good something like that has come of all this.

It's bad it had to be white artists to bring it to the collective angry white self-made socio-political campaigners' attention. Where was all of this fuss when I sat with my parents, squirming while watching Salt-n-Pepa on TOTP or hearing things like 'I Wanna Sex You Up' on the car radio.

A lot of it smacks of just wanting to LOOK politically correct. To give each other a pat on the back. What about everyone who wants to highlight the plight of the lack of rights of sex workers? Maybe those black dancers in the Lily Allen video damn well enjoyed what they were doing and weren't being exploited by the bad uncaring white woman at all? Because they knew they were creating a parody as well. Oh. Um. That's confusing, isn't it?

And heaven forbid somebody creatively try to tackle an issue. Because they're always going to leave one group unsatisfied, and unfortunately it's the dissatisfied that are often the most vocal about why they've got the hump. Well, how about you CREATE something, even if it's just an online petition, rather than moaning to your sanctimonious back-slapping pals about it? Stuck in your own little bubble of people that agree with you. I wrote a short story a month ago and forgot to include any homosexual people. I guess that must make me homophobic! I must slap my wrists and repent in haste.

And all this fuss over the line "You know you want it". 'JFC', as the youth say. I take more offence to Daft Punk's "I'm up all night to get lucky". That means he won't take no for an answer, ladies. Ban that in your student union.

(For those that don't understand irony - and there are many, it appears, I was being facetious there).

Sunday, 10 November 2013

The View from the Shard

Yesterday I was very kindly taken for a trip to the Shard.

More here.

Or Flickr, if you prefer.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Top 10 Ways to Piss Off a Librarian

1. "I don't have my card."

"And also I mumble and have an unusual name. I know I said 'Katie Smith' but it's actually spelt 'Kay-ti Smif' because I have cool hippie parents that raised me on a diet of soya milk and rice cakes. I actually lost my card but I'm too scared to admit to it and pay a measly quid for a new one, so we have to go through this scenario every time."

2. Allowing your precious little ones to run and shriek.

Adorable

Kindly exercise some control over your crotch-droppings. Okay, so libraries are communal hubs now, interaction is encouraged. But behaving like someone's set fire to you and you have to walk across nails to throw yourself in the water is generally not.

3. What's this thing I take books out with?

Referring to your library card as a 'ticket'. It's not a fucking ticket. It's a card and you should jolly well bring it with you if you wish to borrow items!

Source

4. Quibbling your fines.

Storming out, refusing to pay a meagre fine because you can't organise your life properly, claiming you're never going to use a library again. And you wonder why they're a dying breed. And saying "God, I could've bought my own copy five times over at that price!" BRING IT BACK ON TIME THEN. Or re-new it. In person, online, over the phone. Still working on the telepathy option, Your Highness.

5. Complaining about things that are FREE.

Oh boo hoo, is the computer running slowly and you can't watch the latest episode of Adventure Time? While meanwhile your friendly local librarian is having to turn away people who actually want to use a PC to look for a job or print out their CV? Are you going to have a moan about it, yeah?

Well, let me tell you a story. In about 1992, I lived on a tiny island called Kiribati, because I had parents who worked for the Foreign Office and they took jobs there.

The shelves on the local library mostly looked like this:

Source

And yes, I had a good old sob about it because what with moving about so many times books were my real *~friends~*. But I learnt to make do. It teaches you to be HELLA grateful for what you have.

Think about all the people in other places who don't have the latest CDs, magazines, books, DVDs, etc etc at their disposal and count yourself gorram lucky.

6. "Has my reservation arrived yet?

Did you receive a letter or email saying it had arrived? No? Well p*ss off then and come back when you have instead of sending your friendly local librarian on a wild goose chase to track down The Casual Vacuntcy or Fifty Shades of Shit just on the 'off-chance' it's arrived. Related: fellow librarians, please stop telling customers "It should be here in a few days". NEVER GIVE THEM HOPE.

7. One question at a time.

Your friendly local librarian is using a complicated database to look up a musical score by a composer they've never heard of, with a title that's about 15 words long, and the customer pipes up to make a personal comment (yay!) or ask "By the way, has my reservation arrived yet?" (see 6. or "Can I sign my sprog up to join the library?" or "Can you let me know if I need to renew my Dummies Guide to Having Patience?"

8. Stealing stuff.

Source

The lowest of the low.

9. Leaving receipts inside the item.

Printed out so you know when to bring whatever back. Before returning it, chuck that shit in the bin, yeah?

10. Not following instructions.

When using the self service machine to return the books (which librarians are very grateful for, by the way, it frees up time to take annoying little scraps of paper out of the inside covers of books and re-shelve them) READ the instructions on screen that say whether the item is to be placed on the trolleys next to the machine, or in the bin to go on the reservations shelf, or back to another library. "Has my reservation arrived yet?" "Possibly, but it might be on a shelf somewhere because some plankton couldn't read the simple instructions in front of them". Given that people still struggle with cash machines though I haven't much hope of this situation being resolved any time soon.

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Manic Street Preachers 'Rewind the Film' Bingo

I've been noticing the same topics popping up every time I read a review of the new Manic Street Preachers' album 'Rewind the Film', or an interview with one of 'em.

So I compiled them into a bingo card so everyone can play!

(Top left topic inspired by Marc Burrows)

Click to enlarge.

Should've also included "Getting excited that they're talking about a Manics film every time 'Rewind the Film' is mentioned", but that could be just me...

Thursday, 12 September 2013

Space Battleships

Gearing up to try out the latest version of Battleships my friend designed over a year ago, I am horrified to discover I never shared it with my dedicated readership.

Without further ado...SPACE BATTLESHIPS. It's like Battleships, but in space, yeah?

(Prease press pray)

LINK for download

The rules, for thems what cannot click:

  • Before placing your fleet place your 5 Black Holes on your opponent's grid. Before commencing play both announce where your holes are. If your opponent has docked a ship over a black hole it is instantly obliterated. They must announce this & the co-ordinates it occupied. Any special squares that are sucked in are also lost forever. Boohoo.

  • Along with your fleet mark the location of the Nostromo. Should your fire hit this the Alien Queen makes straight for you; you spend your next 3 shots faffing around with flamethrowers before you can get away from her (you bitch). Thus your opponent makes 4 consecutive shots and then announces the co-ordinates where you toasted alien ass. If the Nostromo hits a black hole consider it lost. Until the sequel.

  • One of your smallest ships must carry your pet Tribbles. As your opponent sinks this the little furry fuckers infect their closest ship, of which they must announce co-ordinates. This ship is considered out of action unless they locate the Bill Shatner square. He'll feed them some poisoned grain or something. They can then move it to a new, as yet unfired on, location.

  • Somewhere, lolloping in a field, three bunnies search for their tails

  • Hello pretty pretty. The pink square is Tau Ceti, hit this and your opponent gets 4 consecutive shots while you have a little love in with Ms B, the Angel & the Tyrant. Enjoy.

  • Orange represents a Solar Flare. Hit this and the pesky energy release ruins your weapons telemetry, immediately fire one shot at your largest remaining ship and announce the co-ordinate.

  • Crappy space telescope, give me sight beyond sight. Find the Hubble space telescope and poke your beady eye around space before it runs out of budget. You notice an obscenely coloured tye-dye ship and sensors detect a faint aroma of patchouli. Your opponent must give one co-ordinate for their Hippy Ship. 10-4 old buddies. Destroy; kill all hippies.

  • Should you stumble across the Asteroid with one of your shots consider it your lucky day. A friendly Bruce Willis is riding it blind but has some control over the steering. Buy him a twinkie and he'll direct it across one entire row or column for you, destroying (and activating) anything in the way. Yippee Ki-Yay Motherfucker.

  • The last thing you want to do, ever, is hit the Quaver. This denotes your opponent's right to commence psychological warfare. For the next solid 60 minute period of play you must listen to a song or video of their chosing, on loop, loud. No exceptions, no breaks. No cheating. Beware. Mahna Mahna.

  • The snack that will make you crack

  • Finally we have reports of Vigilante Space Pirates in the quadrant. These nogoodniks wander the galaxy inflicting their own brand of karmic space justice. If at any point in play you consecutively hit two separate ships without a miss they will come and sink your largest remaining ship immediately. Because they think that's just not cricket.

Friday, 6 September 2013

A Womb of One's Own

Last night I read this article by Lucy Mangan for Stylist.

(I'm aware by the way I do bang on about Stylist a lot. That's because it's free and I like things that are free).

The article reports facts and figures which are concerning in 2013:

"Recent analysis of various figures by the House of Commons Library has revealed that up to 50,000 of the 340,000 women a year who exercise their (absolute, legal) right to a year’s maternity leave are denied the most crucial part of that right – not to have their jobs taken away or rendered unrecognisable as the same one while they are otherwise (and, I say once again, fully legitimately) engaged."

It reminded me of a rather bizarre, and in retrospect disgusting, interview I attended at a large training provider back when I lived in Kent. This incident would've taken place around 2008.

I was interviewed by a rather mousey woman with bulging eyes, and a voice I had to strain to hear. I was interviewed in one of the training rooms, so surrounded on all sides by an unnerving combination of those protruding peepers, and blank, silently judging monitors.

Alarm bells started ringing after I was asked, despite showing paperwork of my IT/ECDL qualifications which also outlined my having used it in offices:

"Do you put your fingers in the correct place when you type?"

Many years ago I completed online DIY courses in touch-typing which did indeed show you how to "put your fingers in the right places" and of course built up my speed a heck of a lot chatting to mates on MSN Messenger. I hovered my hands over one of the keyboards and stared at my digits...

"Err, yes?"

I was thinking "What the fuck does that matter?" but it is a training company and they want everything 'just so', so fair enough, I must set a good example.

We somehow moved on from qualifications and experience and finger-placement to my personal life.

She asked how old I was, I believe, as I had stopped including it on my CV in order to reduce the effects of age discrimination. Foolish of me to put it on there to start with.

Then she dropped the clanger.

You're not planning on running off and having a baby any time soon, are you?"

"Umm, no...!" I managed to splutter.

She continued, oblivious of the consequences this could have for the reputation of the company even having the audacity to ask that question, "It's just we train these girls up and it's such a shame when they run off and don't come back."

She then proceeded to prattle on about all the extra learning I would be expected to do outside of work hours, a subject I don't believe was mentioned in the job description, but I'd already switched off, realising my mistake entering the building, already thinking about my dinner and day-dreaming about miraculous publishing or editorial jobs on my doorstep coming up in the back of the Cuntish...sorry, 'Kentish' Gazette.

She wrapped up the interview by asking if I would be able to take the "piercing thingamy" out of my ear if successful. I had one of these at the time:

Source

I recall staring in disbelief at her two dangling earrings.

"We are a professional company, you see..."

"And what about all the ex-students that come in looking for actual useful office skills who would recognise in me a kindred spirit, someone on the same wavelength?" But I kept that one to myself, of course.

I was unsuccessful, of course, but I didn't lose any sleep over it. Months later, I still felt uncomfortable when I thought back to it, so I brought it up with their Higher Uppers. How very DARE they ask about my intentions to spawn?!

I never had a reply.

Thursday, 22 August 2013

Intro Version

Please take a moment to read this guide to understanding the introverted.

May I draw your attention in particular to:

For me most days it feels like all of you guys are Party Cat.

Given enough notice, time to get my head round it, and clear space in my diary, I can be like this:

Without these conditions in place, however, I end up feeling like this:

(You should check out the rest of Nedroid's stuff by the way, as it's awesome).

Ok, come back now.

Every summer I say it's going to be different, and every summer is the same. My diary's packed. No, I'm not showing off about how 'popular' I am (har), it's more indicative of how I find it difficult to say 'no'.

Things run through my head like, "What if I never get an opportunity like this again?" "What if my friends stop asking me out if I turn them down?" "It's my duty as daughter/Aunt/Sister etc" "This is what other, 'normal' people do all the time, go along and 'have fun'!"

This week alone I've had 3 social events in a row and next week - which I pre-booked as time off FOR MYSELF - is taken up with 3 more.

I think something's in danger of giving. I don't know if I'm going to end up lashing out at some poor sod ("STOP ASKING ME OUT FOR DRINKS YOU INCONSIDERATE PLUM!"...yeah, that'll go down well) or cave in, trembling under my duvet for a few days to recover.

Also, I don't have the kind of income for this lifestyle. I work a four day week, largely because I value time alone to read books. Cheap. Free. Relaxing.

I've been taking on more lie berry shifts to cope this summer, and don't get me wrong, I love both my jobs, but it means more time with people, which means more zapping of my energy.

In addition to this there's the subject of the CHRONIC PAIN. I don't live in Brighton anymore, I live in 'Hove, actually', so factor in the extra walking (I don't get the bus, with my reasoning being on foot you can run from the creepers but on the bus you're stuck with 'em). Pain pain pain.

I love my friends and family dearly, I just need notice about things so I can mentally prepare, physically prepare with yoga/meds if necessary(!) and for people to not abandon me if I skip a few things or I drop off the radar for a while.

So anyway, I've explained to you guys now, but the problem remains of how to explain to my non-internetty pals. "I just need to be alone," sounds like a feeble excuse for missing out on a shindig (not to mention diva-ish), or if I grumble about money people offer to pay for drinks which makes me feel grateful but incredibly awkward. Most of the time I do have the money, I'd just rather spend it on tat off eBay or chocolate...alone time things.

So what the hell do I say?

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Pull Up to My Bumper Baby

I designed a bumper sticker for victims of harassment. Slap it on a deserving car next time its inhabitants piss you off when they're stupidly stuck at traffic lights.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

How to Give Change

Seeing as shopkeepers in general seem to have forgotten, I have drawn a helpful little comic about how to give change. You can click on it to read the small print.

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Friday, 12 July 2013

Daft Spunk

Earlier this week NME announced Daft Punk have released their own brand of 'Get Lucky' condoms (following in the footsteps of JLS).

This got me thinking about what other musicians could release their own b(r)and name contraceptives, resulting in the following list.

  1. Aphex Twin - Rubber Johnny
  2. P!nk - Just Like a Pill
  3. (An artist that could also collaborate with boy band Blue to create a pregnancy test kit perhaps? For when the JLS condoms, much like the band, split. Boom. Bet you've never heard that joke before).

  4. Manic Street Preachers - Little Baby Nothing
  5. The song that spawned a thousand chat room and forum names. A soundtrack also for the termination of spawn.

  6. Limp Bizkit - Nookie
  7. PiL - Rise
  8. John Lydon should retire from buttering us up and move on to Viagra.

  9. Yazz - The Only Way is Up
  10. Mel C - Goin' Down
  11. Mel C. Melanie Chisholm. Melon-y Jism.

    (I nicked that joke but can't remember where from. If it was you: thanks).

  12. Pearl Jam.
  13. No further comment.

  14. Massive Attack - Protection
  15. Men Without Hats - Safety Dance
  16. Except not wearing a 'hat' isn't very safe, is it?

Thursday, 11 July 2013

Old Diary Entries

Following Stylist's request for old diary entries, I unearthed a gem from 1996.

Excuse the hair.

I loved the sun, moon and stars hippy dippy yin yang mystical stuff when I was a tween; early goff underpinnings perhaps?

I still have a few furnishings from that time actually.

But enough content evasion.

Let me transport you back to a magical time known as the mid-90s, before we all had mobile phones and if you wanted to meet up with a mate you just had to fucking be there, the local shop was Safeway, when hairstyles were floppy, and indie music was actually good.

This is from the introductory entry, dated 16th July 1996. At the time I lived in Wiltshire and attended Devizes School.

"I'm in 7LXR, in Mr Ross's form. He is also our science teacher. He's always hyper and he said 'bludy' [sic] once, and I was cracking up for ages! I'll tell you about the people in my class.

Stuart Adams = He's ok. Bit weird.

Kate Allen = Has a lovely reading voice. Nice enough kid.

Mark Bridewell = Pain in the butt. No other comment!

It occurs to me at this point I should probably omit surnames...oh well, let's live dangerously.

Gareth Buckland = Smart lad. Has sense of humour.

Josie Britton = Quite nice. Bit sarcastic at times, but no-one takes it too seriously."

There I signed off, vowing to continue the next day. Which I valiantly did, but I'm skipping that shit to get to the juicy parts. But I will tell you Ben was 'very tasty but a bit of a twit at times'.

23rd July 1996

"Something funny happened this morning at school. I was talking with Chrissy, Amy and Andrew. Then I happened to spot Sally walking with Gareth. I nodded in their direction and said, "OooooOOOooohhh, Sally and Gareth!" Gareth was then walking slightly behind Sally, and Andrew said: "Got to keep up with your new girlfriend, Gareth!" Everyone cracked up. Chrissy said afterwards that they'd make a great couple; 'square bears together!' "

Excuse me while I pause to wipe away the tears of laughter.

But wait -

"P.S. The new love of my life is Lee M. He's really cute and has a great sense of humour. Sigh."

(That was decorated by those little True Love Always/True Love Forever doodles folks would scratch into desks and that).

18th August 1996

This was about a girl I didn't like. We'll call her A.

"I found out what happened to A. Her hair used to be like this = [doodle of a long-haired girl] but now it's like this = [doodle of a short-haired girl]. I asked Gemma why A was away and she said it was because she had nits. Like, best news of the century dude!

I found out this great way to get Lee's attention. I can stick my tongue in so it looks like this = [doodle of something that looks like a fish flapping around an arsehole], you know, you roll it back but I can make it stay there. Lee thinks it's gross, but a great laugh! You should see Andrew trying to do it. I must think of more tricks like that."

Fast-forward seven years or so, and yes, you'll be pleased to learn, Constant Reader, I did learn more tricks involving my tongue.

Source

24th September 1996

"No. 1 in the charts is 'Ready or Not', by the Fugees. It's really dumb in some parts, but ok. They knocked down the Spice Girls. Good, I was getting a tad tired of that song anyway.

My favourite song ever is now in the Top 10! I heard it years before anyone else did. A group called Deep Blue Something performs it. If Lee ever asks me out, I'll say that'll be 'our' song. (Barf)"

'Barf' indeed.

Right. Wikipedia informs me it was indeed released twice, so technically it is possible I could've heard it years before my peers.

Wikipedia also mentions "VH1 and Blender ranked the song #6 on their list of the "50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever"

The following incident, occurring 3rd October 1996, was bafflingly deemed worthy of transcript.

"He [Lee of course, who else] was cutting up his rubber with his ruler then using his ruler to flick the cut rubber. It didn't go very far; his ruler wasn't flexible and it was only the length of these two pages. The first first of rubber only went this far = [doodle of arrows approximating two inches]. We both cracked up quietly. I said, "try my ruler." My ruler is quite long and good for flicking rubbers. When he saw it he grinned. YES!!!"

10th October 1996

"I'm going into a depression mode. Don't get me wrong, I had a great day, it's just that knowing that I can't have Lee makes me unhappy. Shane fancies me! At least someone does.

Poor Shane. He never stood a chance.

21st July 1997

"Just thought I'd update you on the last 6 or seven months.

Lee and I are now the best of friends. Everyone in my class is talking about Lee and me, saying we would make the perfect couple. I'm quite happy with that, and Lee doesn't seem to mind. Of course, if someone asks him straight out if he loves me, he denies it, but I wouldn't expect him to tell some stranger that he would like to shag me sometimes. [Heavens!]

There's just one problem.

Tomorrow we break up for summer.

When we come back we will be in Y9, and put in different sets according to our abilities. Lee and I share only 3 classes. I've been crying over this every night for a fortnight. I'll never see him again, practically.

Look, I've got to go now; I've started crying again."

Woah. That's some heavy shit, right there.

I wish I'd spent more of the 90s writing about what bands I liked instead of what boys I liked.

Same could be applied to every decade that's followed since, really.

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Harkive

This is a record of what I've listened to today, because http://harkive.org/.

"The aim of the project is to capture for posterity a global snapshot of the way in which we interact with the sounds and technology of today, and get to the essence of what music means to us as all."

Today I woke up with the Manic Street Preachers' 'Hazelton Avenue' in my head, possibly because I'm considering going to see them at Shepherds Bush following an invitation from a friend last night.

I played it via Winamp and shimmied around while brushing my teeth.

I don't know where Hazelton Avenue is but I felt strangely nostalgic for it anyway.

Afterwards I played Placebo's album 'Black Market Music', also via Winamp.

It made me think of all the people I know that have apparently shagged Brian Molko.

I also attempted to imitate the Molko bleat while getting dressed.

"It's a raaaaayce, a raaaace for rats. A race for rats to diiiie."

These tracks would all have been scrobbled to Last FM as well, as I like everyone to know how fucking awesome my taste in music is.

Oh fine, and because they make relevant recommendations and I'm geeky for stats.

Then I played 'Blurred Lines' by Robin Thicke via Youtube, for about the 50th time. Despite the 'misogyny', you can't deny it's a CHOON.

Hummed it all the way to work, blending it with bits of Hazelton Avenue.

Got in to work and a colleague told me about one of the builders humming 2Unlimited's 'No Limits' the day before, firmly lodging it my boss's head, causing him to hum it all day.

I consequently got it stuck in my head, of course.

Come lunchtime I had to take some painkillers for the sciatica, sugar-coated supermarket shit as I'm trying to cut down on the expensive prescription meds.

So this popped in to my head:

Have also had Jessie J's Pricetag and Patti Smith's Because the Night rattling around in my head today. No idea why.

This also made an appearance. Again, pass.

At 12.15 a colleague remarked the builders next door were singing London Bridge is Falling Down. I didn't hear it personally, but thought I should make a note of it anyway.

Received an email from Spotify informing me the new Manics single is out. Which I already knew, but I thought it was nice of them anyway.

Thought of Prince's When Doves Cry and If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next after reading tweets from Nicola Manning and Simon Price respectively.

At 14.30 my boss informed me they were playing We Built This City in the local kebabery.

Got this as an earworm due to discovering a restaurant bearing the same name in a file at work.

Left work early to go and watch The Bling Ring. Discussed Smashing Pumpkins, AFP, and Frank Turner en route. Recognised music from Sleigh Bells, Azealia Banks, M.I.A. and Kanye in the film.

Got Barry Manilow's Mandy stuck in my head when I got home :(

Whacked on some Watchmaker to accompany a work-out.

(You probably won't like them).

I will probably hear my housemate humming along to the Eastenders theme later.

Thus concludes my contribution to Harkive, and what has probably been a terrifying journey through the musical maze of my mind. You're welcome.

Mirrored Tree House

Via Spire in Me.

Thursday, 4 July 2013

Death to all Butt Metal

Many Twitter accounts affiliated to the metallic genre do little to dispel the myth that listeners are little other than greasy-haired knuckle-draggers and RPG-ers soaked in Jack Daniels.

I've collected a few examples over the past fortnight or so.

First up, Kerrang! (The exclamation mark is important)

Have you remembered to take your ADHD meds today?

Swearing at Derby will definitely get all their newsagents running to stock your rag, Metal Hammer! YEAH!

Ok, 'Radio 1 Rockshow' I'll clear a space on the mantlepiece.

Wait, 'That Metal Show', you didn't even give me a chance to answer! (\m/)

Metal Hammer there (again), making the rather bizarre assumption Slipknot still have fans.

Don't get me started on Zero Tolerance Mag, with their entire feed in capitals.

And finally, something calling itself 'Loudwire'.

Right. By that definition:

"THE KOMBUCHA MUSHROOM PEOPLE, SITTING AROUND ALL DAY! (WHO) CAN BELIEVE YOU (WHO) CAN BELIEVE YOU, LET YOUR MOTHER PRA-AY-AYYYY" #GreatRockLyrics #WOOAARGGGH!

"I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO IRON MAIDEN BABY, COME WITH ME FRIDAY, DON'T SAY "MAYBE", I'M JUST A TEENAGE DIRTBAG BABY LIKE YOU! (OOOH-OOOH-OOOHHHHWOOOO)" #GREATRAWKLYRICS #BABY

"COME M'LADY, COME COME M'LADY, YOU'RE MY BUTTERFLY, SUGAR, BABEH." #GreatRockLyrics #Yeah!

Nowt wrong with appealing to your audience. But this is making me somewhat embarrassed to even listen to shouty guitar music. A mature approach for, well, maturer fans would be nice is all. Instead of the brainfarts of pimply work experience kids high on Monster energy drinks, who refer to tattoos as 'tats'. Yeah. You know the type.