Friday, 12 July 2013

Daft Spunk

Earlier this week NME announced Daft Punk have released their own brand of 'Get Lucky' condoms (following in the footsteps of JLS).

This got me thinking about what other musicians could release their own b(r)and name contraceptives, resulting in the following list.

  1. Aphex Twin - Rubber Johnny
  2. P!nk - Just Like a Pill
  3. (An artist that could also collaborate with boy band Blue to create a pregnancy test kit perhaps? For when the JLS condoms, much like the band, split. Boom. Bet you've never heard that joke before).

  4. Manic Street Preachers - Little Baby Nothing
  5. The song that spawned a thousand chat room and forum names. A soundtrack also for the termination of spawn.

  6. Limp Bizkit - Nookie
  7. PiL - Rise
  8. John Lydon should retire from buttering us up and move on to Viagra.

  9. Yazz - The Only Way is Up
  10. Mel C - Goin' Down
  11. Mel C. Melanie Chisholm. Melon-y Jism.

    (I nicked that joke but can't remember where from. If it was you: thanks).

  12. Pearl Jam.
  13. No further comment.

  14. Massive Attack - Protection
  15. Men Without Hats - Safety Dance
  16. Except not wearing a 'hat' isn't very safe, is it?

Thursday, 11 July 2013

Old Diary Entries

Following Stylist's request for old diary entries, I unearthed a gem from 1996.

Excuse the hair.

I loved the sun, moon and stars hippy dippy yin yang mystical stuff when I was a tween; early goff underpinnings perhaps?

I still have a few furnishings from that time actually.

But enough content evasion.

Let me transport you back to a magical time known as the mid-90s, before we all had mobile phones and if you wanted to meet up with a mate you just had to fucking be there, the local shop was Safeway, when hairstyles were floppy, and indie music was actually good.

This is from the introductory entry, dated 16th July 1996. At the time I lived in Wiltshire and attended Devizes School.

"I'm in 7LXR, in Mr Ross's form. He is also our science teacher. He's always hyper and he said 'bludy' [sic] once, and I was cracking up for ages! I'll tell you about the people in my class.

Stuart Adams = He's ok. Bit weird.

Kate Allen = Has a lovely reading voice. Nice enough kid.

Mark Bridewell = Pain in the butt. No other comment!

It occurs to me at this point I should probably omit surnames...oh well, let's live dangerously.

Gareth Buckland = Smart lad. Has sense of humour.

Josie Britton = Quite nice. Bit sarcastic at times, but no-one takes it too seriously."

There I signed off, vowing to continue the next day. Which I valiantly did, but I'm skipping that shit to get to the juicy parts. But I will tell you Ben was 'very tasty but a bit of a twit at times'.

23rd July 1996

"Something funny happened this morning at school. I was talking with Chrissy, Amy and Andrew. Then I happened to spot Sally walking with Gareth. I nodded in their direction and said, "OooooOOOooohhh, Sally and Gareth!" Gareth was then walking slightly behind Sally, and Andrew said: "Got to keep up with your new girlfriend, Gareth!" Everyone cracked up. Chrissy said afterwards that they'd make a great couple; 'square bears together!' "

Excuse me while I pause to wipe away the tears of laughter.

But wait -

"P.S. The new love of my life is Lee M. He's really cute and has a great sense of humour. Sigh."

(That was decorated by those little True Love Always/True Love Forever doodles folks would scratch into desks and that).

18th August 1996

This was about a girl I didn't like. We'll call her A.

"I found out what happened to A. Her hair used to be like this = [doodle of a long-haired girl] but now it's like this = [doodle of a short-haired girl]. I asked Gemma why A was away and she said it was because she had nits. Like, best news of the century dude!

I found out this great way to get Lee's attention. I can stick my tongue in so it looks like this = [doodle of something that looks like a fish flapping around an arsehole], you know, you roll it back but I can make it stay there. Lee thinks it's gross, but a great laugh! You should see Andrew trying to do it. I must think of more tricks like that."

Fast-forward seven years or so, and yes, you'll be pleased to learn, Constant Reader, I did learn more tricks involving my tongue.


24th September 1996

"No. 1 in the charts is 'Ready or Not', by the Fugees. It's really dumb in some parts, but ok. They knocked down the Spice Girls. Good, I was getting a tad tired of that song anyway.

My favourite song ever is now in the Top 10! I heard it years before anyone else did. A group called Deep Blue Something performs it. If Lee ever asks me out, I'll say that'll be 'our' song. (Barf)"

'Barf' indeed.

Right. Wikipedia informs me it was indeed released twice, so technically it is possible I could've heard it years before my peers.

Wikipedia also mentions "VH1 and Blender ranked the song #6 on their list of the "50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever"

The following incident, occurring 3rd October 1996, was bafflingly deemed worthy of transcript.

"He [Lee of course, who else] was cutting up his rubber with his ruler then using his ruler to flick the cut rubber. It didn't go very far; his ruler wasn't flexible and it was only the length of these two pages. The first first of rubber only went this far = [doodle of arrows approximating two inches]. We both cracked up quietly. I said, "try my ruler." My ruler is quite long and good for flicking rubbers. When he saw it he grinned. YES!!!"

10th October 1996

"I'm going into a depression mode. Don't get me wrong, I had a great day, it's just that knowing that I can't have Lee makes me unhappy. Shane fancies me! At least someone does.

Poor Shane. He never stood a chance.

21st July 1997

"Just thought I'd update you on the last 6 or seven months.

Lee and I are now the best of friends. Everyone in my class is talking about Lee and me, saying we would make the perfect couple. I'm quite happy with that, and Lee doesn't seem to mind. Of course, if someone asks him straight out if he loves me, he denies it, but I wouldn't expect him to tell some stranger that he would like to shag me sometimes. [Heavens!]

There's just one problem.

Tomorrow we break up for summer.

When we come back we will be in Y9, and put in different sets according to our abilities. Lee and I share only 3 classes. I've been crying over this every night for a fortnight. I'll never see him again, practically.

Look, I've got to go now; I've started crying again."

Woah. That's some heavy shit, right there.

I wish I'd spent more of the 90s writing about what bands I liked instead of what boys I liked.

Same could be applied to every decade that's followed since, really.

Tuesday, 9 July 2013


This is a record of what I've listened to today, because

"The aim of the project is to capture for posterity a global snapshot of the way in which we interact with the sounds and technology of today, and get to the essence of what music means to us as all."

Today I woke up with the Manic Street Preachers' 'Hazelton Avenue' in my head, possibly because I'm considering going to see them at Shepherds Bush following an invitation from a friend last night.

I played it via Winamp and shimmied around while brushing my teeth.

I don't know where Hazelton Avenue is but I felt strangely nostalgic for it anyway.

Afterwards I played Placebo's album 'Black Market Music', also via Winamp.

It made me think of all the people I know that have apparently shagged Brian Molko.

I also attempted to imitate the Molko bleat while getting dressed.

"It's a raaaaayce, a raaaace for rats. A race for rats to diiiie."

These tracks would all have been scrobbled to Last FM as well, as I like everyone to know how fucking awesome my taste in music is.

Oh fine, and because they make relevant recommendations and I'm geeky for stats.

Then I played 'Blurred Lines' by Robin Thicke via Youtube, for about the 50th time. Despite the 'misogyny', you can't deny it's a CHOON.

Hummed it all the way to work, blending it with bits of Hazelton Avenue.

Got in to work and a colleague told me about one of the builders humming 2Unlimited's 'No Limits' the day before, firmly lodging it my boss's head, causing him to hum it all day.

I consequently got it stuck in my head, of course.

Come lunchtime I had to take some painkillers for the sciatica, sugar-coated supermarket shit as I'm trying to cut down on the expensive prescription meds.

So this popped in to my head:

Have also had Jessie J's Pricetag and Patti Smith's Because the Night rattling around in my head today. No idea why.

This also made an appearance. Again, pass.

At 12.15 a colleague remarked the builders next door were singing London Bridge is Falling Down. I didn't hear it personally, but thought I should make a note of it anyway.

Received an email from Spotify informing me the new Manics single is out. Which I already knew, but I thought it was nice of them anyway.

Thought of Prince's When Doves Cry and If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next after reading tweets from Nicola Manning and Simon Price respectively.

At 14.30 my boss informed me they were playing We Built This City in the local kebabery.

Got this as an earworm due to discovering a restaurant bearing the same name in a file at work.

Left work early to go and watch The Bling Ring. Discussed Smashing Pumpkins, AFP, and Frank Turner en route. Recognised music from Sleigh Bells, Azealia Banks, M.I.A. and Kanye in the film.

Got Barry Manilow's Mandy stuck in my head when I got home :(

Whacked on some Watchmaker to accompany a work-out.

(You probably won't like them).

I will probably hear my housemate humming along to the Eastenders theme later.

Thus concludes my contribution to Harkive, and what has probably been a terrifying journey through the musical maze of my mind. You're welcome.

Mirrored Tree House

Via Spire in Me.

Thursday, 4 July 2013

Death to all Butt Metal

Many Twitter accounts affiliated to the metallic genre do little to dispel the myth that listeners are little other than greasy-haired knuckle-draggers and RPG-ers soaked in Jack Daniels.

I've collected a few examples over the past fortnight or so.

First up, Kerrang! (The exclamation mark is important)

Have you remembered to take your ADHD meds today?

Swearing at Derby will definitely get all their newsagents running to stock your rag, Metal Hammer! YEAH!

Ok, 'Radio 1 Rockshow' I'll clear a space on the mantlepiece.

Wait, 'That Metal Show', you didn't even give me a chance to answer! (\m/)

Metal Hammer there (again), making the rather bizarre assumption Slipknot still have fans.

Don't get me started on Zero Tolerance Mag, with their entire feed in capitals.

And finally, something calling itself 'Loudwire'.

Right. By that definition:




Nowt wrong with appealing to your audience. But this is making me somewhat embarrassed to even listen to shouty guitar music. A mature approach for, well, maturer fans would be nice is all. Instead of the brainfarts of pimply work experience kids high on Monster energy drinks, who refer to tattoos as 'tats'. Yeah. You know the type.