Gearing up to try out the latest version of Battleships my friend designed over a year ago, I am horrified to discover I never shared it with my dedicated readership.
Without further ado...SPACE BATTLESHIPS. It's like Battleships, but in space, yeah?
(Prease press pray)
The rules, for thems what cannot click:
Before placing your fleet place your 5 Black Holes on your opponent's grid. Before commencing play both announce where your holes are. If your opponent has docked a ship over a black hole it is instantly obliterated. They must announce this & the co-ordinates it occupied. Any special squares that are sucked in are also lost forever. Boohoo.
Along with your fleet mark the location of the Nostromo. Should your fire hit this the Alien Queen makes straight for you; you spend your next 3 shots faffing around with flamethrowers before you can get away from her (you bitch). Thus your opponent makes 4 consecutive shots and then announces the co-ordinates where you toasted alien ass. If the Nostromo hits a black hole consider it lost. Until the sequel.
One of your smallest ships must carry your pet Tribbles. As your opponent sinks this the little furry fuckers infect their closest ship, of which they must announce co-ordinates. This ship is considered out of action unless they locate the Bill Shatner square. He'll feed them some poisoned grain or something. They can then move it to a new, as yet unfired on, location.
Hello pretty pretty. The pink square is Tau Ceti, hit this and your opponent gets 4 consecutive shots while you have a little love in with Ms B, the Angel & the Tyrant. Enjoy.
Orange represents a Solar Flare. Hit this and the pesky energy release ruins your weapons telemetry, immediately fire one shot at your largest remaining ship and announce the co-ordinate.
Crappy space telescope, give me sight beyond sight. Find the Hubble space telescope and poke your beady eye around space before it runs out of budget. You notice an obscenely coloured tye-dye ship and sensors detect a faint aroma of patchouli. Your opponent must give one co-ordinate for their Hippy Ship. 10-4 old buddies. Destroy; kill all hippies.
Should you stumble across the Asteroid with one of your shots consider it your lucky day. A friendly Bruce Willis is riding it blind but has some control over the steering. Buy him a twinkie and he'll direct it across one entire row or column for you, destroying (and activating) anything in the way. Yippee Ki-Yay Motherfucker.
The last thing you want to do, ever, is hit the Quaver. This denotes your opponent's right to commence psychological warfare. For the next solid 60 minute period of play you must listen to a song or video of their chosing, on loop, loud. No exceptions, no breaks. No cheating. Beware. Mahna Mahna.
Finally we have reports of Vigilante Space Pirates in the quadrant. These nogoodniks wander the galaxy inflicting their own brand of karmic space justice. If at any point in play you consecutively hit two separate ships without a miss they will come and sink your largest remaining ship immediately. Because they think that's just not cricket.