Thursday, 7 May 2015

Challenge 'Challenge 25'

I’ll vote for whatever party gets rid of this ridiculous ‘Challenge 25’ bollocks.

In Spain I wasn’t ID’d at all. That’s because they probably only ID people that look under the ACTUAL LEGAL AGE. Also there's this fear of alcohol in England, probably because of alcohol-related domestic violence incidents, that you just don't get so much on the continent. Alcohol is served without fear the youthful-looking imbiber is going to turn into a flailing urinating slurring monster. The key is to start everybody off early. Milk from one teat, whiskey from the other, perhaps.

I’ve gone through various stages of how I react to being ID’d:-

- Ages 18 – 22: “Ooh, isn’t this exciting! I get to use my passport for something at least!”

- Ages 23 – 26: “Ooh, isn’t this exciting! I get to use my full driver’s license!” For way more times than I would use it to actually drive, as I was to discover.

- Ages 27 – 29: “Well this is kinda annoying, but I guess I’ll just do what everyone is telling me to do and take it as a compliment. Like how I listen to random guys on the street when they say “cheer up love!” and flash ‘em a smile and maybe some tits.”

Ages 30 onwards: “This is fucking stupid now. I’m at least ten years older than you, you spotty owl-tattooed meedja studies Bastille-loving goon. Give me my beer.”

The way the assistants stare so sternly at you makes you feel like a criminal when you’re actually doing something perfectly legal. I slink out of shops clinking my bottles feeling as though I had a close call.

Three ID-ing related incidents: The man in Co-op who said after seeing my ID “Have you had a good life?” Although maybe his English wasn’t so great and he meant to ask whether I’d had a nice day.

The frightened rabbit-like girl from Tesco who was unsure if she should serve me because my driver’s license stated Belgium as my place of birth. Where I’m born doesn’t make me a different age, love!

The staff at the Bristol who informed the middle-aged couple who had bought me a drink (co-workers, not a sex thing) that I was to go up to the bar to present my ID. They didn’t mention anyone else in the party, which included two women of my age. I laughed at being singled out, and after knocking back a swig a beer declared the bar staff could come the fuck over to the table if they were that bothered. Which they did.

I’ve started giving it some backchat now, for laughs.

Co-op man: “How old are you?”

Me: “30”

Co-op man: “Could I see some ID please?”

Me: “You know, you could’ve just asked for the ID first. A laaaaady never reveals her age!” *mock fanning of self*

Co-op man got in fluster and apologised like nine times and I felt bad for making him feel bad so thanked him profusely for each individual item of shopping he bagged up for me. It was very British.

Backchat occasion No.2:

Newsagent man: “May I see some ID please?”

Me: “I’m old; I’m just short.”

(It is discrimination against us shawties after all!)

I started getting my ID out but newsie bloke was just laughing and said “No, I believe you!”

Using that one more in future.

Although hopefully in future I won’t have to, because this Challenge 21/25/30/65 is going to be abolished, right? Because you should only be ID-ing people that look under 18, right?

Another reason whoever’s behind this crackpot idea should think again is because with the advancements in the beauty industry everyone’s looking younger for longer. I’ve seen teenage girls on Instagram and Twitter already boasting about the ‘age-delay’ moisturisers they’ve purchased.

So yeah, considering changing my response to “I’m not young, good sir, I’m short and I use No.7 Protect and Perfect which reduces the appearance of fine lines and contains active ingredients that help to repair and protect as well as helping to tackle blemishes..."

And I should definitely get a free beer for giving away my beauty secrets. Or maybe they'd get so bored they'd give me free beer to go away.

I did that How Old thingamy recently and got 27. Acceptable. And above the '25' limit everyone's been told to look out for or lose their jobs serving a minor (24yo). Just get the app and scan everyone's faces with that thing maybe. Just ffs stop ID-ing men with beards and women with wrinkles.