Sunday, 31 May 2015


Here’s the thing. I need a haircut. It’s been literally years.

I get that thick hair is seen as a blessing, but with summer coming I’m seriously going to struggle under the weight of this mat I carry on my head. Plus there are more split ends than I have time to chop off by myself.

The reason I’m not keen on going to the hairdressers is because it’s another introvert vs extrovert thing. I’ve made a checklist of phrases I’m going to repeat to myself before I head in and am plonked in a chair facing a huge mirror (ARGH! Is that what I look like?!) beside a window (ARGH! People!)

"I want my hair thinned, please."

I usually get “Oh that’s not necessary!” or they pretend not to hear. Or maybe they actually don’t hear because I’m basically inaudible most of the time.

Mrrfph! (And hello boys).

This is my hair washing routine, right. Bend over bath, get hair wet (this alone can take a while), massage in shampoo for a coupla minutes, rinse that shit, apply conditioner (10p’s worth? More like a fiver’s worth), let that shit soak in for 15 minutes. Rinse. Let it dry naturally for a while. Apply Lush R&B. Finish it off with blowdryer and heat protection spray. If I still have energy, straighten, or (more likely) leave til next morning.

I’m tired of this. Fewer hairs please. Snippety-snip.

"Two inches means two inches."

I know exactly how much hair I want gone. Don’t talk me into saying bye to more. My hair is thick and wavy; if it’s too short it’ll curl up and I’ll look like a poodle. I need it a certain length to pull it straighter.

"MORE hairspray."

I mean, have you ever set foot outside this salon? Do you know how breezy Brighton is? There is no point trying to maintain any hairstyle without at least a can's worth of hairspray before heading out in that whirlwind.

"Don’t tell me off for dyeing my hair at home. "

I once had “Someone’s been playing with colour, haven’t they!” from a senior stylist. Yes, and someone’s also a grown woman and wishes to be spoken to as such.

"No, I don’t want a fringe."

You may be in an experimental mood buddy, but I'm not. Plus it wouldn’t suit my face shape. Plus see weight point and breeze point above.

"MORE serum."


Basically I’m paying for the service, you should comply with my demands. I know you’re worried about the reputation of your salon but I’m not going to go out with name of it branded on my FRINGE-FREE forehead for all to see. The times when I’ve given the hairdresser free reign to do whatever they thought was best I’ve been uncomfortable with the results. I’m more likely to recommend a place when I can say "they did exactly as I asked."

Which also applies to tattoo parlours. But that's a story for another time...