Wednesday, 29 July 2015

De Grief

I subscribed to The Debrief's emails on the recommendation of journalists I respect(ed). I thought they had some pretty good articles on sex and interior design for cramped spaces (my primary interests in life, natch - and not dissimilar in theme), and still do, but the language of their email newsletters frequently have me hovering over the 'unsubscribe' button. Or whatever hip synonym they'd replace 'unsubscribe' with. "Drop the bass on us" or whatever the kids are saying these days.

Let's consider this little screenshot for a moment.

They like to give rhyming subheadings to their promoted features, 'raving, 'craving, and 'saving'. In this case, it denotes a crap t-shirt they advise is worth splurging six quid on.

"...you're (probably) getting paid this week which is excellent news and we also know that the first thing you'll do is blow it all on clothes."

I like the bracketed 'probably' there, a nod to all the folk on zero hours contracts.

I took umbrage at the assumption of what I spend my money on. Clothes? I consider it excessive if I've spend a tenner in charity shops in one month. I could be more likely to spunk my moolah on Nutella, male escorts and snuff, for all you know, dear Be-brief.

Next point. 'Friends forever' is adorable, yes. If you're a five-year-old girl splitting a heart-shaped locket necklace with a bestie (see, I know the lingo) or a grey teddy bear a person who has no idea what to buy for their friend's birthday sees in a card shop. Not for adorning the breasts of a grown woman. Who is the message aimed at? Must she have the friend with her at all time? What if the friend fucks off at 3am one night to buy chips leaving the t-shirt wearing woman in the gutter, do all the strangers peering at her rejoice at being reunited with their long lost friend? More likely they'll bitterly recall a useless teddy bear they were given when what they really would've preferred was bottle of rum.

I can't drink a shit drawing, can I.

Moving on.

"...paired with high-waisted jeans and trainers it'll look totally fetch."

BUY MORE CLOTHES FROM ZARA DAMMIT.

It's time for some cold hard facts, fashion fans.

Ain't NOBODY ever look good in no high-waisted jeans. IMHO, they make a lot of girls look pregnant when they're not, and make their mons pubis (pubises? pubi? Fuck it I don't know or care) look like skyscrapers.

Maybe I should just accept that this stuff isn't aimed at me. After all, they made it quite clear the age range they assume their readership belongs in, by saying elsewhere in the email "As if our twenties weren't difficult enough". AGEIST TWATS.