Transcript of a conversation with a male friend seeking a baby-momma last week.
Me: That’s what people don’t understand about Brighton. It’s all full of desperate straight girls batting below their average because it’s the best they can do.
Me: Everyone just assumes it’s full of gay men and lesbians. It’s not. There’s thousands of ladies looking their best because there’s too much competition for too little.
I feel pretty good when I leave the house but I pass so many hotties just on the way to work even that my confidence is 0% by the time I get to the entrance.
Hey, you remember that girl in Canterbury, ___ ____?
Me: Long dark hair, alabaster skin, glasses?
Me: Jeez, if you’d seen her you wouldn’t have forgotten. All the guys I knew were in love with her. She was a 10/10. Here she’d be...
Me: Nah more like 6 or 7. She’s pretty damn fine. But yeah, you get the point.
Friend: Begins nodding enthusiastically, possibly hatching plans to move to the most expensive city by the sea*.
Me: I trawl through photos of my girlcrushes online and constantly think “Really? You’re with him? He must have a great big...personality.” Honestly mate, it’s the Brighton secret.
Friend: So that’s why when you went to the loo in that pub we were in the other night I could feel all the women staring at me...
Me: Yeah exactly! Like flippin’ bloodhounds.
And that, my friends, is The Brighton Secret. Men are put off moving here as they think it’s an island surrounded by an impenetrable human centipede of gay cock. When there’s actually a sizeable amount of untapped pussy that’s gagging for it as it’s been totally deprived.
*That’s the other secret. People move here because of the variety of activities and events on offer and then can’t afford to do any of them because it’s too darn expensive just to live.