Monday, 21 September 2015

Moving to Brighton: Expectation vs Reality

Wrote this to commemorate living in Brighton for five years. Well, Hove Actually. Shush.

  1. Expectation: I will live here!
  2. Source

    Or here!


    Or here!


    Or here!


    Reality: You will live in a granny annexe in Woodingdean.

  3. Expectation: I will gorge myself on Cybercandy every day.
  4. What else is in the teaches of Reese's

    Reality: Once a week you might treat yourself to this from Aldi.


  5. Expectation: When friends visit I'm going to show them the high life!
  6. Reality: You'll discourage friends from visiting because it costs money to go outside.

  7. Expectation: I'm going to sample all the craft beers.
  8. Without the need to time travel to be served by a man who looks like this!

    Reality: I'm going to go to Spoons.


  9. Expectation: I will own at least five pairs of Irregular Choice shoes.
  10. Even if I have to crush the heads of innocent bunnies

    Reality: I will try to make a pair of Shoe Zone shoes last five years.

  11. Expectation: For basics, I'll go to Wilkinson's.

  13. Expectation: I'll buy my toiletries from Lush!
  14. Lush innit

    Reality: I'll buy my toiletries from one of the many Wilkinson's substitutes on LNDN RD.

  15. Expectation: I'm going to see so many great bands!
  16. Reality: Can't afford a paid Spotify account.

  17. Expectation: I'll be within easy reach of London! Gonna see so many friends/exhibitions/gigs/cocktails!
  18. Reality: Can't afford the bus to the train station.

  19. Expectation: Dere be good eatings! Chilli Pickle! Terre à Terre! La Choza! The Salt Room! The Coal Shed! Ginger Pig! Troll's Pantry! BBQ Shack!
  20. Reality:

Thursday, 3 September 2015

Would You Twat a House Spider With An E-Reader

And Other Reasons to Borrow Library Books.

Obviously I have writer's block, because I'm back here writing a blog post.

This one came to me after I pwned a giant* spider with my copy of Alison Bechdel's Fun Home the other night.

I checked that title (a graphic novel in which the author describes coming to terms with her sexuality and weird-ass family) out of my local library after my surprise that it was still on the shelf after having appeared in the news so recently because some revolting students refused to read it.

Wiping spider guts off the book, I wondered what other uses library books could have besides weapons.

  • Conversation Starters
  • Careful here. If you possess them (and if you don't, please don't go out in public), use your powers of awareness. If someone's body language says they want to be left alone with their book, show some respect and fucking leave them to it. Do their eyes show concentration, or are they flickering up at you from their copy of 1984 as if to say "Ask me about it, stud..."

    I don't see titles printed on the covers of e-readers. Difficult to enquire about enjoyability, which may be a word I just made up, of the piece of expressionless plastic in someone's paws.

  • Fortress Construction
  • My local library allows you to borrow forty books at a time.

    You remember Lego, right? It's like that but without the dangerously sharp nobbly bits and not made of slippery fucking plastic like fucking e-readers.

    A throne I made earlier.

    I'm sure a fortress could be constructed with e-readers, but it would be eye-wateringly expensive and not nearly as aesthetically pleasing.

  • Placemats and Coasters
  • Picture it, you're sitting there in your den constructed from your 40 library books and you need somewhere to put your plateful of microwaved meal for one. Although god knows WHY you're single, you do own a fortress and throne made of literature, after all.

    You don't want to burn your lap, so the obvious option is to practice those jenga skills (which you also probably played alone...well I'm going on what I did as a child, which is surely what you did...what is all this talk of bike rides to the Barrens with friends and evil clowns, who even are you, get out of my head) and carefully extract a 'brick' to use as a lap protector. You're welcome.

  • Take it on Holiday
  • You can get extended loans on your books should you be embarking on a world cruise. Why not take Peter James or Danielle Steel or Irvine Welsh or however you treat yourself after summat like 1984 along for the ride? In the unlikely circumstances somebody nicks it librarians only ask you pay for us to buy a cheap replacement. If it's a Kobo or a Knobbo or whatever the fuck they're called I imagine you'll be out of pocket by more than £5.99.

  • Revel in the Freedom
  • All too frequently I hear from pals "You should get a copy...wait, I'll check...yep, it's only 99p to download it..."

    To which I generally let my expression of abject horror do the talking.

    You know how much a library card costs? FREE. How much to borrow books? FREE.

    Make the most of it while you still can. PROVE that libraries are used, needed, wanted.

    Or it'll contribute towards more of these scenarios.


*Giant in this instance referring to a circumference akin to that of a digestive biscuit.